I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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