I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
