took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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