i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
