i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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