don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
