I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
