Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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