i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize