I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
