You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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