Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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