It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i will never coherently bang her
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
