Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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