I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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