just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
