I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
