So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize