He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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