At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
