I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
