just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
