I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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