I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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