dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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