Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
