if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
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