sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
