nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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