I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
