I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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