I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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