I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
And then he peed in my hair
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