Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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