I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
