can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize