Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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