She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
