Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
