She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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