i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
