That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
