At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
