she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
