we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
