Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
