i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
