I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
