im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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