Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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