And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
