My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
