I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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