all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
