What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
