Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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