who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
