I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize