I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
