It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
