$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize