spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You left your phone here
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