I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
