Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
