I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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