this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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